Are you there Motivation? It's me, Sarah.

Uuuuuuugh!

That's how I feel right now.  It's hard to even motivate myself to write this post.

Here are the things I want to do:
1. Find a dramatic scene

2. Write this post

3. Look up theatrical agents to email so that they see my picture and say to themselves, "Whadda we have here?? Who is this girl?! She's the next big thing I tell ya! Quick! Get her in here, see! I hafta meet huuuh!!" (I hope that you were able to imagine that this agent is an old-timey agent, with pomaded hair, a cigar, a tweed vest, and a pinky finger.)

4. Return 2 emails I've been meaning to return for soooooo long

Here are the reasons why I am not getting these things done:
1. I have a headache and it's well known that when one has a headache one is a big baby who must be pampered and is off the hook from doing anything productive.  Aren't headaches great?

2. I'm depressed that I haven't been very productive this week.  So now I'm fighting fire with fire by continuing to not be productive. Because that makes total sense right?

3. I just. . . uuuugh. . .

I'm So Glad You Called!

Below is my conversation, pretty much verbatim, with a telemarketer who called me today.

I've been getting lots of calls from telemarketers recently, because I had to get a business license last summer in order to teach children's improv classes.  Well, I never ended up teaching those classes (long story), but I did manage to become every telemarketers favorite business owner.  I usually miss these calls, because I'm at work, but I have today off.  So I took advantage of being able to pick up my phone.

Fyi, T is telemarketer, who had a Southern accent, just in case you were wondering.  And M is me. You should know I was speaking like a crazy person on happy-crack-pills. Enjoy!

T: I’m looking to talk to the owner.  Is this the owner?

M: Oooh! Owner of what? I own lots of things!

T: Oh, the owner of Inland Improvement.

M: Hmmm, I don’t own Inland Improvement.  But I do own Inland Improv! Do you still want to talk 

to me?

T: Oh. I’m sorry about that. Um, I’m Robin and I’m calling from 1 to 1 web solutions.

M: Ooooh! 1 to 1 web solutions!!  What’s that?!

T: Well, we’re the largest web hosting service in---

M: SHUT UP!!  THE LARGEST?!!  That’s amazing! How did you do that? The largest! In the world?

T: Umm, yes. Well, we offer web hosting for businesses like yours---

M: OH!! Web hosting?!

T: Yes, we create websites for businesses like yours.

M: OH! I want 70 websites!!

T: Uh . . . you want 70 websites?

M: YES! 70 websites! NO! WAIT! 700!!! I want 700 websites!!!

T: Um, well, ok, I’m sure that could be arranged.

M: Oh yay!

T: Well, ma’am, if you could go to join.me

M: I didn’t understand a word you just said. OH! Are you speaking Chinese?!

T: Um, no ma’am I am not speaking Chinese.

M: Oh, you’re not? I thought you were bilingual. Are you bilingual Robin?!!

T: No, I am not bilingual.

M: Oh, you’re not. So, then what did you say??? Tell me what you said! Hehe!

T: Um, well, if you could open your browser—

M: It’s open! It’s open! It’s already open!!! :-D

T: Uh, yes, well, please go to join.me

M: Ooooh, JOIN DOT ME! Fancy! Is that j-o-i-n-dot-m-e??

T: Uuuh, yes.

M: OOOOH!!! I’m on the website and OH! It looks like I’m on a FAST TRAIN!!!! AM I ON A FAST TRAIN ROBIN???!!?!?

T: No, ma’am you’re not. You’re not on a fast train.

M: OH!! I’M NOT?!?!?!?!?

Robin the telemarketer hangs up on me.

Who says sales calls can't be fun?

Goodbye

Yesterday was 59 days before the day I get married. And I had to put my cat, Tiger, to sleep.

My mother called me at 7am to tell me that my 19 year-old cat, Tiger, was not doing well at all. I wasn't that surprised. I had just seen Tiger the day before and she was definitely not doing well.

Tiger's health had been declining steadily this past year, especially after she injured her hips trying to jump up to her food bowl on a counter a few months ago. When I saw her the day before yesterday she was having a lot of trouble walking and was so horribly thin it was alarming. I asked my mother if she thought it was Tiger's time to go and my mom said it might be. I pushed it from my mind and focused on my wedding plans. Then my mom called the next morning and I knew what I had to do.

As I lie in my bed, having just told my mother I would go over to her house while she was at work to spend one last day with Tiger I couldn't help thinking, "This is it. My childhood is officially over. Two months before my wedding."

I spent the day with Tiger, brushing her fur, getting her to eat some tuna as she seemed disinterested in her regular food, scratching her cheeks (her favorite), and crying---a lot. I remembered the countless nights Tiger slept next to me, purring and kneading my arm or hand as I fell asleep. The scratchy kisses she bathed my face in. The way she tapped my face with her little paw and wrapped her arms around my neck and nuzzled my face when I held her. I remembered how she used sit in the bathroom sink while I took a shower in the morning, how she used to climb her front paws up my legs, stretching them all the way to my waist as I got ready in the morning, wanting me to hold her for just a few moments before I left for school. I remembered how I she'd stroll into my room as I sat on my bed doing homework, meow at me for attention, then sit resignedly next to me as I worked. I remembered clutching her and crying into her fur when my heart was broken. I remembered her special meow that was just for me, how when she looked at me she looked into my eyes and I could tell she loved me. I even remembered the time she somehow escaped into the backyard, climbed up to the roof above our garage, and cried into my window at four in the morning until I woke up and forced my dad to get out the ladder and help me climb up to the roof to rescue her.

She was my baby kitty, my Tiggie, my pretty kitty. More than that, Tiger was my childhood. I got her for my seventh birthday. After almost 19 years, she'd been with me most of my life. Now, on the eve of my wedding, she was leaving me. She was letting me go, to begin the rest of my life. Last night, I told my fiance it almost feels like Tiger knew. She knew I was all grown up. She knew I was going to be taken care of and loved. She knew my childhood was over and it was her time to go. I just wish I had known.

I feel a bit guilty, that perhaps I took her for granted. I always thought she'd be there to greet me when I came over to my parents' house, that she'd be there when I got married and that she'd eventually meet my children. Of course, I knew realistically that that probably wouldn't happen. I knew the truth, I just didn't realize how much it would hurt when the day actually came and how much it would mean to me growing up. All day yesterday, and especially at the vet while we prepared to let Tiger go, I kept thinking, "I want to keep her." But as soon as I had the thought, I knew it was selfish. Tiger wanted to be at peace. She was suffering in her old body and she wasn't the Tiger we used to know. She wanted to go.

Today, I still wish I could have kept her. I wish I could hold her one more time, hear her meow that meow just for me one more time, feel her little paw on my face, and see those beautiful yellow-stone eyes. I just have to remember how much love she gave me and all the wonderful memories I have of her. I am so blessed to have had Tiger in my life. She was my best friend, my constant companion. I will always be thankful for the many years I had Tiger in my life.

I am also so very blessed to have my wonderful family to help me through this. Tiger wasn't just my cat, she was my sister's and my parents' cat too. I was so thankful to have my sister, my father and my amazing fiance there during Tiger's last moments. My parents, my sister and my fiance all loved Tiger immensely, you couldn't help loving her. I'm very thankful they got to be there with Tiger. I'm so happy they got to say goodbye to her. I know she felt loved in her last moments. I will always be thankful to and for my beautiful family.

It's going to be hard the next few days, but every time I think of Tiger, I'll remember all the love she brought into my life and how blessed I am that I got to know her. I'll also remind myself that this is a part of life, when one chapter ends another begins. Even though I no longer have Tiger and even though I do have to grow up, she is with me. Tiger will always be with me.

gypsy girl and the things she muses over late at night in her hometown

have you ever noticed that goodnight has no e's in it?

i can't focus on anything today.

i ate a lot of ice cream today . . . it was fabulous.

i have no routine right now.

i can't wait to have time to write more.

it's funny, i can't even write this entry.

i took a 3 hour nap today . . . it was fabulous.

i'm watching a movie with the audio commentary on, but i'm not listening to it.

my toes were literally blue last night, i had to bring them back to life with hot water.

i can't wait to have time to run more.

i can't wait to have time to sleep more.

music is the best thing ever.

i'm going to give in and go to bed now.

goodnighte.

gypsy girl and the things she thinks driving in her borrowed car

the other morning, as i drove the fifty-some-odd miles to work, i thought:

i wish every band that ever existed, from currently touring to broken up a generation ago, from mega-super-famous to garage band goofballs who just love to play their guitars, would all start playing at once. everywhere around the world all musicians would pick up or sit down at their respective instruments with their respective band/group/ensemble mates and start playing.

and i wonder what that would sound like?

i imagine, at first, it would only be guitars twanging, inharmonious, in far too many different keys. melodic, folksy voices clashing sourly with rough, screaming, been-there-done-that rocker voices. drum sets beating a million different bone-shattering rhythms. fingers on pianos banging the keys in a myriad of uncomplimentary styles. tambourines, harmonicas, talk boxes, and even a few kazoos, just piling on top of each other to create an eardrum bursting cacophony of noise.

but then, if you just give it time, i believe, all that noise will start to sound like . . . something. guitar riffs will start to mesh. voices will begin to blend. drums will find a common beat. pianos will create a new, never before heard style. and all the tambourines, harmonicas, talk boxes, and all the kazoos, will begin to compliment each other, each taking turns telling their part of the song. and it will all start to become something . . . wonderful.

the melody will begin to ebb and flow, a dynamic living story. the rhythm will become a steady heart beat, a solid foundation for the voices that rise and swell in harmonies that make us smile in spite of ourselves.

and this new song will be . . . indescribable. never before heard and never again repeatable. this song will make hearts race with joy, make bodies dance and sway on sidewalks, it will say things mouths will never be able to say with just words. it will be the most beautiful music any ears have ever heard.

i'm not sure if this would really happen. i'm sure i'll never know for sure. but i'm going to go ahead and believe it would.

gypsy girl and the things she thinks in her office late at night

hello again . . .

it has been a while, but i'm back. so much has changed since my last post. i moved, twice. first to a wonderful little condo. i had an amazing roommate named Rachel. i was utterly inspired and at home. i was in a relationship. the relationship ended. my car died. my sister let me borrow her car indefinitely because she is wonderful. i had a best friend i spent all of my free time with. that friend doesn't talk to me anymore and i'm not sure why, though i have an idea. i started a new acting class. i moved again. this time to my grandma's. i commute over 50 miles to work everyday. i crash on couches a lot. i started running again. i started to learn to play the guitar. the guitar had to go back to the guy who lent it to me. my car got fixed. i wrote a song and a treatment for a screenplay in January. this is the first i've written since then. i reunited with an old friend. i'm learning to ask that God's will be my will. i also realized that life is so much easier when you ask for and accept help. in other words life is easier when God's will is your will. i'm learning to be more brave. i'm learning there is truly nothing to be afraid of in this world. nothing.

the biggest realization i've had: i am so very young, barely on the verge of 24. and the way i always pictured my life would be by 24 is so much less beautiful and exciting than it has turned out to actually be. my life is definitely not how i planned it, but that's just it! i just learned, in the past few months, that you cannot plan life. ever. you can only ride its waves. you can only bounce from one opportunity, accidental meeting, and coincidence to the next. and you have to be ever ready to allow each opportunity, accidental meeting, and coincidence to color and enhance your journey to wherever your life is leading. i just can't believe it took me almost 24 years to figure this out.

i was feeling very lonely just a couple weeks ago. i was feeling very depressed. very uninspired. i was thinking, "ugh, what's the point?," then something snapped. i think it was a friend from my past, whom i didn't know that well, asking to hang out with me. and i said yes, of course. but i suddenly felt empowered, brave. this person gave me an opportunity to get to know someone better and i took advantage of it. then i realized i had the power to make this sort of opportunity too. so i reached out to an old friend on my own. we're going to hang out next weekend. now all i want to do is create. create opportunity. create art. create love.

i feel so excited for the future now. i feel so free. but really it is my mind that is free. i have let go of having a plan. i am just going to be in action. try to get the things i want by putting myself out there. creating at all costs. meeting and appreciating new and old friends. loving every precious moment of this life. loving every single second of this journey. a journey i have absolutely no control over. and that is what makes it so beautiful! the fact that i don't know what will happen next and i can never know, even if i try. but i know everything will be okay and i will be happy. i will always end up happy. and knowing that makes me happy now.

i am going to live such a beautiful, fulfilling life. and it may not be a particularly "remarkable" one according to the standards by which most people measure a life. but i am going to create. i am going to help people. i am going to make music. i am going to love and be loved. and that is remarkable enough for me.

beachy keen

I went to the beach yesterday. These are a few of the things I heard . . . you have to imagine hearing them with the sound of waves crashing in the background . . .

. . . Maybe we could find some hot guys there . . .

Ah Man! Where's the radio?
Your fault, you didn't bring it!
Nah, your fault. I told you to get it.

Mommy, we don't have any towels?

I hate living with boys.
Yeah, they're dirty.

We're going to the store. You can go get your feet wet, but you can't go in til we get back.

No, didn't get hurt, just sandy.

There you are!!!

Here comes a big ass wave.

Dad! There's someone with six toes on this beach. I just found a footprint with six toes on it.

It's a snake!!! Show it to her!! Show it to her in her FACE!! IN HER FACE!!!

I got your cheese. Want some cheese with your cheese?

I want to go with you.

If it's freezing, I ain't going in.

Can I spray Sarah's legs? (This one made me turn my head)

I got hurt and you don't even care?

Whoa, Dad. Did you put oil on or something? . . . Sheesh.

I'm just about to send a text to Mom. Wanna read it?

You brought a chair for me? You're so sweet.

Not one of my favorite beaches . . . my right foot hurts really, really badly.

. . . I love you . . .