beachy keen

I went to the beach yesterday. These are a few of the things I heard . . . you have to imagine hearing them with the sound of waves crashing in the background . . .

. . . Maybe we could find some hot guys there . . .

Ah Man! Where's the radio?
Your fault, you didn't bring it!
Nah, your fault. I told you to get it.

Mommy, we don't have any towels?

I hate living with boys.
Yeah, they're dirty.

We're going to the store. You can go get your feet wet, but you can't go in til we get back.

No, didn't get hurt, just sandy.

There you are!!!

Here comes a big ass wave.

Dad! There's someone with six toes on this beach. I just found a footprint with six toes on it.

It's a snake!!! Show it to her!! Show it to her in her FACE!! IN HER FACE!!!

I got your cheese. Want some cheese with your cheese?

I want to go with you.

If it's freezing, I ain't going in.

Can I spray Sarah's legs? (This one made me turn my head)

I got hurt and you don't even care?

Whoa, Dad. Did you put oil on or something? . . . Sheesh.

I'm just about to send a text to Mom. Wanna read it?

You brought a chair for me? You're so sweet.

Not one of my favorite beaches . . . my right foot hurts really, really badly.

. . . I love you . . .

Momma gonna go out in style

I'm tired.

I love my new job.

I over react to stupid things.

I love singing in my car.

I get sad when I get sick.

I like running more than I thought I did.

I felt beautiful a few weeks ago.

I don't feel so beautiful lately.

I think I might be in love.

I hate being in love.

I know one day I'll wake up and I won't care anymore.

I thought that I had already woken up and didn't care anymore.

I still care.

I still wait.

I don't want to wait.

I don't know if I don't want to care.

I don't like it when I'm sick because I can't sing.

I felt poised this week.

I feel like a grown up.

I'm still a little bit scared.

I want to lose a little weight.

I want to go to the beach.

I want to feel less tired.

I want to want less.

I need furniture.

I want to express myself on the walls of my room.

I can't bring myself to decorate.

I need to feed my fish.

I wonder if I have bills to pay.

I wonder who I'll marry . . . everyday, I wonder.

I wonder what color my kids' eyes will be.

I really want a dog.

I have two toes with red nail polish on them, nail polish from Christmas time.

I have eight naked toes.

I thought about a book tonight that I had read one summer a long time ago.

I can be really bitchy sometimes.

I cry when I don't want to.

I'm waiting right now . . . for many things.

I envy too much.

I'm obsessive compulsive.

I recheck things til my head aches.

I like my laugh.

I miss so many people that I ache.

I love the Sun more than I realized.

I miss my kitty, Tiger.

I need to write more.

I need to stop falling in love.

I should probably save more money.

I love my family more than anything.

I wish I could play the piano.

I don't like being bored.

I get stressed too easily.

I'm learning to ask more questions.

I recently rediscovered my imagination.

I know God exists.

I know the love I carry inside me is an infectious disease that heals.

I say weird things sometimes.

I can be funny.

I seem harsh even when I don't mean to.

I have learned that honesty never fails.

I'm going to bed.

I'll have a song on repeat in my head when I wake up.

This is me, alive and living and oh so tired.

Non-working Girl

i'm unemployed.

again.

i feel like i should feel like i'm a loser. because this is the fourth job i've had in a year. because i gave up on a great job because of a bad feeling. albeit was a very strong bad feeling, but only a feeling nonetheless. because i have a college degree from a top university, but i can't even keep ridiculously stupid jobs. because it's not that i can't keep them (i've actaully never been fired) but instead keep quitting these mindless, menial jobs only to force myself to go on that agonizing, spirit crushing, time consuming quest for the perfect shitty job. and mainly, just because i'm, well, unemployed. so i should feel like a loser.

but it's just that, i only feel like i should feel like a loser. i just realized tonight that i don't really feel like a loser.

however, the one thing i definitely do feel is fear.

how will i pay rent if i don't find a job this week? not to mention all those other annoying expenses that just have to be paid: electricity and water bills, student loan payments, groceries, PSSSSH! nuisances!



i'm scared.

really scared.

and no amount of sarcasm is going to make me feel better.

and it definitely won't get me a job.



pray for me.

Dare to Reach

Today I saw an orange in a fountain

Raining
Walking
Slowly
Round a park
Sorrowful sky
A blue-green fountain
Water bubbling in its basin,
Spilling over into the pool below

I see it

Bobbing
Bright and happy
In the bubbling water
So content to be so out of place
Watching me wonder at it
Beckoning

Just out of reach

Hesitation
Get soaked?
You'll dry
Get laughed at?
No one's here
Get yelled at?
No one's here
Worth it?

Yes

Circle the fountain

Yearning
To reach out
To pluck
From the whirling water

Yearning
To not regret

Yearning
Hesitation
A battle inside
Walk away
Give up

Suddenly
A burning

Do it!
Don't regret!
Get it!
Now or never!
Do it!
What have you got to lose?
Get it!
Why not?
Do it!
Do it!
DO IT!

Suddenly
At the fountain's edge
Knee on the wet, rough surface
Umbrella out
Scoop
Reach out
Grasp

Soft, dimpled, fragrant
Alive

Toss into the air
Vibrant against the sad sky
Catch in my hand
Slip into an oversized pocket

Walk
Slowly
Round the park
Silent
Truimphant
Orange in my pocket

No regret

Can never say
I didn't dare

Dare to reach