have you ever noticed that goodnight has no e's in it?
i can't focus on anything today.
i ate a lot of ice cream today . . . it was fabulous.
i have no routine right now.
i can't wait to have time to write more.
it's funny, i can't even write this entry.
i took a 3 hour nap today . . . it was fabulous.
i'm watching a movie with the audio commentary on, but i'm not listening to it.
my toes were literally blue last night, i had to bring them back to life with hot water.
i can't wait to have time to run more.
i can't wait to have time to sleep more.
music is the best thing ever.
i'm going to give in and go to bed now.
goodnighte.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
gypsy girl and the things she thinks driving in her borrowed car
the other morning, as i drove the fifty-some-odd miles to work, i thought:
i wish every band that ever existed, from currently touring to broken up a generation ago, from mega-super-famous to garage band goofballs who just love to play their guitars, would all start playing at once. everywhere around the world all musicians would pick up or sit down at their respective instruments with their respective band/group/ensemble mates and start playing.
and i wonder what that would sound like?
i imagine, at first, it would only be guitars twanging, inharmonious, in far too many different keys. melodic, folksy voices clashing sourly with rough, screaming, been-there-done-that rocker voices. drum sets beating a million different bone-shattering rhythms. fingers on pianos banging the keys in a myriad of uncomplimentary styles. tambourines, harmonicas, talk boxes, and even a few kazoos, just piling on top of each other to create an eardrum bursting cacophony of noise.
but then, if you just give it time, i believe, all that noise will start to sound like . . . something. guitar riffs will start to mesh. voices will begin to blend. drums will find a common beat. pianos will create a new, never before heard style. and all the tambourines, harmonicas, talk boxes, and all the kazoos, will begin to compliment each other, each taking turns telling their part of the song. and it will all start to become something . . . wonderful.
the melody will begin to ebb and flow, a dynamic living story. the rhythm will become a steady heart beat, a solid foundation for the voices that rise and swell in harmonies that make us smile in spite of ourselves.
and this new song will be . . . indescribable. never before heard and never again repeatable. this song will make hearts race with joy, make bodies dance and sway on sidewalks, it will say things mouths will never be able to say with just words. it will be the most beautiful music any ears have ever heard.
i'm not sure if this would really happen. i'm sure i'll never know for sure. but i'm going to go ahead and believe it would.
i wish every band that ever existed, from currently touring to broken up a generation ago, from mega-super-famous to garage band goofballs who just love to play their guitars, would all start playing at once. everywhere around the world all musicians would pick up or sit down at their respective instruments with their respective band/group/ensemble mates and start playing.
and i wonder what that would sound like?
i imagine, at first, it would only be guitars twanging, inharmonious, in far too many different keys. melodic, folksy voices clashing sourly with rough, screaming, been-there-done-that rocker voices. drum sets beating a million different bone-shattering rhythms. fingers on pianos banging the keys in a myriad of uncomplimentary styles. tambourines, harmonicas, talk boxes, and even a few kazoos, just piling on top of each other to create an eardrum bursting cacophony of noise.
but then, if you just give it time, i believe, all that noise will start to sound like . . . something. guitar riffs will start to mesh. voices will begin to blend. drums will find a common beat. pianos will create a new, never before heard style. and all the tambourines, harmonicas, talk boxes, and all the kazoos, will begin to compliment each other, each taking turns telling their part of the song. and it will all start to become something . . . wonderful.
the melody will begin to ebb and flow, a dynamic living story. the rhythm will become a steady heart beat, a solid foundation for the voices that rise and swell in harmonies that make us smile in spite of ourselves.
and this new song will be . . . indescribable. never before heard and never again repeatable. this song will make hearts race with joy, make bodies dance and sway on sidewalks, it will say things mouths will never be able to say with just words. it will be the most beautiful music any ears have ever heard.
i'm not sure if this would really happen. i'm sure i'll never know for sure. but i'm going to go ahead and believe it would.
Friday, March 6, 2009
gypsy girl and the things she thinks in her office late at night
hello again . . .
it has been a while, but i'm back. so much has changed since my last post. i moved, twice. first to a wonderful little condo. i had an amazing roommate named Rachel. i was utterly inspired and at home. i was in a relationship. the relationship ended. my car died. my sister let me borrow her car indefinitely because she is wonderful. i had a best friend i spent all of my free time with. that friend doesn't talk to me anymore and i'm not sure why, though i have an idea. i started a new acting class. i moved again. this time to my grandma's. i commute over 50 miles to work everyday. i crash on couches a lot. i started running again. i started to learn to play the guitar. the guitar had to go back to the guy who lent it to me. my car got fixed. i wrote a song and a treatment for a screenplay in January. this is the first i've written since then. i reunited with an old friend. i'm learning to ask that God's will be my will. i also realized that life is so much easier when you ask for and accept help. in other words life is easier when God's will is your will. i'm learning to be more brave. i'm learning there is truly nothing to be afraid of in this world. nothing.
the biggest realization i've had: i am so very young, barely on the verge of 24. and the way i always pictured my life would be by 24 is so much less beautiful and exciting than it has turned out to actually be. my life is definitely not how i planned it, but that's just it! i just learned, in the past few months, that you cannot plan life. ever. you can only ride its waves. you can only bounce from one opportunity, accidental meeting, and coincidence to the next. and you have to be ever ready to allow each opportunity, accidental meeting, and coincidence to color and enhance your journey to wherever your life is leading. i just can't believe it took me almost 24 years to figure this out.
i was feeling very lonely just a couple weeks ago. i was feeling very depressed. very uninspired. i was thinking, "ugh, what's the point?," then something snapped. i think it was a friend from my past, whom i didn't know that well, asking to hang out with me. and i said yes, of course. but i suddenly felt empowered, brave. this person gave me an opportunity to get to know someone better and i took advantage of it. then i realized i had the power to make this sort of opportunity too. so i reached out to an old friend on my own. we're going to hang out next weekend. now all i want to do is create. create opportunity. create art. create love.
i feel so excited for the future now. i feel so free. but really it is my mind that is free. i have let go of having a plan. i am just going to be in action. try to get the things i want by putting myself out there. creating at all costs. meeting and appreciating new and old friends. loving every precious moment of this life. loving every single second of this journey. a journey i have absolutely no control over. and that is what makes it so beautiful! the fact that i don't know what will happen next and i can never know, even if i try. but i know everything will be okay and i will be happy. i will always end up happy. and knowing that makes me happy now.
i am going to live such a beautiful, fulfilling life. and it may not be a particularly "remarkable" one according to the standards by which most people measure a life. but i am going to create. i am going to help people. i am going to make music. i am going to love and be loved. and that is remarkable enough for me.
it has been a while, but i'm back. so much has changed since my last post. i moved, twice. first to a wonderful little condo. i had an amazing roommate named Rachel. i was utterly inspired and at home. i was in a relationship. the relationship ended. my car died. my sister let me borrow her car indefinitely because she is wonderful. i had a best friend i spent all of my free time with. that friend doesn't talk to me anymore and i'm not sure why, though i have an idea. i started a new acting class. i moved again. this time to my grandma's. i commute over 50 miles to work everyday. i crash on couches a lot. i started running again. i started to learn to play the guitar. the guitar had to go back to the guy who lent it to me. my car got fixed. i wrote a song and a treatment for a screenplay in January. this is the first i've written since then. i reunited with an old friend. i'm learning to ask that God's will be my will. i also realized that life is so much easier when you ask for and accept help. in other words life is easier when God's will is your will. i'm learning to be more brave. i'm learning there is truly nothing to be afraid of in this world. nothing.
the biggest realization i've had: i am so very young, barely on the verge of 24. and the way i always pictured my life would be by 24 is so much less beautiful and exciting than it has turned out to actually be. my life is definitely not how i planned it, but that's just it! i just learned, in the past few months, that you cannot plan life. ever. you can only ride its waves. you can only bounce from one opportunity, accidental meeting, and coincidence to the next. and you have to be ever ready to allow each opportunity, accidental meeting, and coincidence to color and enhance your journey to wherever your life is leading. i just can't believe it took me almost 24 years to figure this out.
i was feeling very lonely just a couple weeks ago. i was feeling very depressed. very uninspired. i was thinking, "ugh, what's the point?," then something snapped. i think it was a friend from my past, whom i didn't know that well, asking to hang out with me. and i said yes, of course. but i suddenly felt empowered, brave. this person gave me an opportunity to get to know someone better and i took advantage of it. then i realized i had the power to make this sort of opportunity too. so i reached out to an old friend on my own. we're going to hang out next weekend. now all i want to do is create. create opportunity. create art. create love.
i feel so excited for the future now. i feel so free. but really it is my mind that is free. i have let go of having a plan. i am just going to be in action. try to get the things i want by putting myself out there. creating at all costs. meeting and appreciating new and old friends. loving every precious moment of this life. loving every single second of this journey. a journey i have absolutely no control over. and that is what makes it so beautiful! the fact that i don't know what will happen next and i can never know, even if i try. but i know everything will be okay and i will be happy. i will always end up happy. and knowing that makes me happy now.
i am going to live such a beautiful, fulfilling life. and it may not be a particularly "remarkable" one according to the standards by which most people measure a life. but i am going to create. i am going to help people. i am going to make music. i am going to love and be loved. and that is remarkable enough for me.
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