hello again . . .
it has been a while, but i'm back. so much has changed since my last post. i moved, twice. first to a wonderful little condo. i had an amazing roommate named Rachel. i was utterly inspired and at home. i was in a relationship. the relationship ended. my car died. my sister let me borrow her car indefinitely because she is wonderful. i had a best friend i spent all of my free time with. that friend doesn't talk to me anymore and i'm not sure why, though i have an idea. i started a new acting class. i moved again. this time to my grandma's. i commute over 50 miles to work everyday. i crash on couches a lot. i started running again. i started to learn to play the guitar. the guitar had to go back to the guy who lent it to me. my car got fixed. i wrote a song and a treatment for a screenplay in January. this is the first i've written since then. i reunited with an old friend. i'm learning to ask that God's will be my will. i also realized that life is so much easier when you ask for and accept help. in other words life is easier when God's will is your will. i'm learning to be more brave. i'm learning there is truly nothing to be afraid of in this world. nothing.
the biggest realization i've had: i am so very young, barely on the verge of 24. and the way i always pictured my life would be by 24 is so much less beautiful and exciting than it has turned out to actually be. my life is definitely not how i planned it, but that's just it! i just learned, in the past few months, that you cannot plan life. ever. you can only ride its waves. you can only bounce from one opportunity, accidental meeting, and coincidence to the next. and you have to be ever ready to allow each opportunity, accidental meeting, and coincidence to color and enhance your journey to wherever your life is leading. i just can't believe it took me almost 24 years to figure this out.
i was feeling very lonely just a couple weeks ago. i was feeling very depressed. very uninspired. i was thinking, "ugh, what's the point?," then something snapped. i think it was a friend from my past, whom i didn't know that well, asking to hang out with me. and i said yes, of course. but i suddenly felt empowered, brave. this person gave me an opportunity to get to know someone better and i took advantage of it. then i realized i had the power to make this sort of opportunity too. so i reached out to an old friend on my own. we're going to hang out next weekend. now all i want to do is create. create opportunity. create art. create love.
i feel so excited for the future now. i feel so free. but really it is my mind that is free. i have let go of having a plan. i am just going to be in action. try to get the things i want by putting myself out there. creating at all costs. meeting and appreciating new and old friends. loving every precious moment of this life. loving every single second of this journey. a journey i have absolutely no control over. and that is what makes it so beautiful! the fact that i don't know what will happen next and i can never know, even if i try. but i know everything will be okay and i will be happy. i will always end up happy. and knowing that makes me happy now.
i am going to live such a beautiful, fulfilling life. and it may not be a particularly "remarkable" one according to the standards by which most people measure a life. but i am going to create. i am going to help people. i am going to make music. i am going to love and be loved. and that is remarkable enough for me.
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