Yesterday was 59 days before the day I get married. And I had to put my cat, Tiger, to sleep.
My mother called me at 7am to tell me that my 19 year-old cat, Tiger, was not doing well at all. I wasn't that surprised. I had just seen Tiger the day before and she was definitely not doing well.
Tiger's health had been declining steadily this past year, especially after she injured her hips trying to jump up to her food bowl on a counter a few months ago. When I saw her the day before yesterday she was having a lot of trouble walking and was so horribly thin it was alarming. I asked my mother if she thought it was Tiger's time to go and my mom said it might be. I pushed it from my mind and focused on my wedding plans. Then my mom called the next morning and I knew what I had to do.
As I lie in my bed, having just told my mother I would go over to her house while she was at work to spend one last day with Tiger I couldn't help thinking, "This is it. My childhood is officially over. Two months before my wedding."
I spent the day with Tiger, brushing her fur, getting her to eat some tuna as she seemed disinterested in her regular food, scratching her cheeks (her favorite), and crying---a lot. I remembered the countless nights Tiger slept next to me, purring and kneading my arm or hand as I fell asleep. The scratchy kisses she bathed my face in. The way she tapped my face with her little paw and wrapped her arms around my neck and nuzzled my face when I held her. I remembered how she used sit in the bathroom sink while I took a shower in the morning, how she used to climb her front paws up my legs, stretching them all the way to my waist as I got ready in the morning, wanting me to hold her for just a few moments before I left for school. I remembered how I she'd stroll into my room as I sat on my bed doing homework, meow at me for attention, then sit resignedly next to me as I worked. I remembered clutching her and crying into her fur when my heart was broken. I remembered her special meow that was just for me, how when she looked at me she looked into my eyes and I could tell she loved me. I even remembered the time she somehow escaped into the backyard, climbed up to the roof above our garage, and cried into my window at four in the morning until I woke up and forced my dad to get out the ladder and help me climb up to the roof to rescue her.
She was my baby kitty, my Tiggie, my pretty kitty. More than that, Tiger was my childhood. I got her for my seventh birthday. After almost 19 years, she'd been with me most of my life. Now, on the eve of my wedding, she was leaving me. She was letting me go, to begin the rest of my life. Last night, I told my fiance it almost feels like Tiger knew. She knew I was all grown up. She knew I was going to be taken care of and loved. She knew my childhood was over and it was her time to go. I just wish I had known.
I feel a bit guilty, that perhaps I took her for granted. I always thought she'd be there to greet me when I came over to my parents' house, that she'd be there when I got married and that she'd eventually meet my children. Of course, I knew realistically that that probably wouldn't happen. I knew the truth, I just didn't realize how much it would hurt when the day actually came and how much it would mean to me growing up. All day yesterday, and especially at the vet while we prepared to let Tiger go, I kept thinking, "I want to keep her." But as soon as I had the thought, I knew it was selfish. Tiger wanted to be at peace. She was suffering in her old body and she wasn't the Tiger we used to know. She wanted to go.
Today, I still wish I could have kept her. I wish I could hold her one more time, hear her meow that meow just for me one more time, feel her little paw on my face, and see those beautiful yellow-stone eyes. I just have to remember how much love she gave me and all the wonderful memories I have of her. I am so blessed to have had Tiger in my life. She was my best friend, my constant companion. I will always be thankful for the many years I had Tiger in my life.
I am also so very blessed to have my wonderful family to help me through this. Tiger wasn't just my cat, she was my sister's and my parents' cat too. I was so thankful to have my sister, my father and my amazing fiance there during Tiger's last moments. My parents, my sister and my fiance all loved Tiger immensely, you couldn't help loving her. I'm very thankful they got to be there with Tiger. I'm so happy they got to say goodbye to her. I know she felt loved in her last moments. I will always be thankful to and for my beautiful family.
It's going to be hard the next few days, but every time I think of Tiger, I'll remember all the love she brought into my life and how blessed I am that I got to know her. I'll also remind myself that this is a part of life, when one chapter ends another begins. Even though I no longer have Tiger and even though I do have to grow up, she is with me. Tiger will always be with me.
